Crying Over Milk

Hello ya'll!

The past few days have been raw, emotional, difficult parenting. Dill turns 7 weeks old on Thursday and this is definitely the hardest week ever.

I've been struggling with oversupply issues since Friday that cause my letdown to spray fast, which causes him to choke and cry when I feed him on my left side. This has also led to a slight foremilk/hindmilk imbalance a little bit because he's had increased green stools, fussiness, spit up, etc. I've tried feeding him in saddle and laid back positions, but his neck is pretty flimsy still and he freaks out when he's in those positions. Side-lying position usually does the trick, but sometimes even that is not enough for him to eat without choking. I've tried hand expressing into a burp rag, but it isn't enough. I've emailed La Leche League and they've told me to do the things listed above, so I know I'm onto the right track, but let me tell you that watching your baby cry, choke, spit up, and fight eating is heartbreaking and it makes you feel like a failure. My only job right now is to keep my baby alive and when that feels difficult to do, it makes you want to crawl into a hole and pull your hair out. The hormones that go along with breastfeeding and the bond between you and your baby make you feel so emotional when the slightest hiccup occurs. I never really knew that this bond would be so painful and beautiful at the same time.

Today I texted my friend Norah who has successfully breastfed her baby for over a year and she helped me calm down. My mom also was a huge support today when she came to visit for the afternoon. I expressed about an ounce off of each side before Dill's last feeding with my Haakaa and put that into a bottle. Dave got the baby up once he woke up and fed him the 2 ounces from the bottle and then I fed Dill on both sides. I was so elated I cried out of happiness. After his feeds he went to sleep and has been asleep for nearly 2 hours. I have been so anxious about the bottle because we haven't introduced it in 4 days. Thankfully, he's eaten 2 ounces from a bottle twice now and has sipped from a bottle a third time. We just need to keep it up and he'll be drinking from a bottle without hesitation in no time.

Tomorrow I'm going to Dupont's breastfeeding support group to see if they have any other suggestions and to have him weighed. I hope baby is at least 12lbs now! Missing last Tuesday's support group was a bummer because I love seeing his growth progress. The La Leche League's support group on Thursday was very nice and informative, but they do not do weight checks.

Overall, I know my baby is healthy because of his diapers and weight gain. I know that we'll overcome this bump in the road. Luckily, we don't have to go it alone thanks to friends and family who have been there for me through all of the texts, crying, and questions.

If you're struggling with any aspect of breastfeeding, don't hesitate to reach out to a support group, friend, family member, etc.

Love,
Lauren